Six ...

Six years ago today we said hello and goodbye to our 3rd son, the journey to that point and the journey since has been filled with many bittersweet moments.  On this day every year we struggle a bit to figure out how to celebrate Owen's life.  One would think that we would have this figured out seeing May 30th comes every year.  But, we don't.  I wonder if my struggle with this is because it's such a contrast to how we celebrate the other kiddos?  I suppose the consistency is in the fact that we do celebrate ... this year with an ice cream cake at the request of the boys, easy to oblige ...  



Another consistency is where we find our Hope ...

Sevenly

Every week Sevenly teams up with charities to raise funds and awareness for "weekly cause campaigns."  A portion of every item sold on Sevenly goes to the charity of the week.  The week's charity is one that is quite personal for us, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS). 

NILMDTS and a local photographer blessed us beyond measure when Owen was born (the photo at the top of my blog page is still one of my favorite family photos, Jason and I with our boys - Jack, Samuel and Owen on May 30th, 2008).

Part of Owen's story will always be how a sweet friend introduced us to a local photographer who became the first photographer in our area to become a part of NILMDTS so that she could capture the arrival of Owen, so thankful for Leslie Faye and how she laid aside her fears to bless us ... and now others. 

And, thankful for organizations such as Sevenly that advocate for causes such as this.

Because there is no foot too small ...

Autumn Bliss {at the cemetery)

Sunday was pretty much a perfect day in my estimation ... crisp air ... but not too cold ... sun shining ... the smell of fallen leaves.  Autumn.  Bliss.  A perfect day for a family "hike" through the cemetery (the boys have been reminding us that we haven't had a picnic in the cemetery for a while so this was a compromise).  The boys brought a football that they tossed around as they "hiked", and the girls had a bag to gather chestnuts from one of the old chestnut trees.

When we were "shopping" for a plot (why can't there be a nicer word for that) while Owen was still full of life, walking through the cemetery was excruciating.  It was one of the hardest things we ever had to do.  I remember that day so vividly, a warm sunny day in May 2008.  We spent many Sundays at the cemetery in that initial year.  And, while it is still painfully obvious that a rung in our family ladder is missing here, we are thankful for the beauty that surrounds us and how we can celebrate life.

Looking at these pictures from Sunday, it caught me how others might it find it so odd that Lydia found a tombstone to sit on as she rested, that the backdrop of a game of catch and chestnut gathering is rows of grave stones, but look at the beauty. 

 

Crazy Boy - Jack may or may not have used the football as a weapon against the poor chestnut tree to get her to drop more chestnuts ... sigh ... boys ...

Hey Pinterest ... got the perfect chestnut craft for me?

 

Lydia was D.O.N.E. at this point ... that girl!

 

That's what He does, doesn't he? Makes beauty of ashes ... while the tears still fall, we are thankful.

SuperGIRL & Audrey Bunny

Today one of our little SuperGIRLs had surgery - tonsils and adenoids out.  She was a trooper, so brave!

Walking into our local hospital is particularly overwhelming, we have only been there a handful of times since Owen's birth and each time the feeling is the same.  Today was no different.  And, in His timing, a children's book that I cannot wait to get my hands on was released yesterday - Audrey Bunny by Angie Smith.  Take a moment and read a little more here, so thankful for the brave way Angie shares her heart, which eloquently echos my feelings, and I am certain the feelings of many other Mama's who have lost children. 

I love how Angie speaks about the mark that Audrey has left on life, it is impossible to look around and not see the mark that Owen has left as well.

{5.30.2013}

Today we remember, reflect and celebrate Owen.  He would be five today which seems near impossible.  Reflecting upon the past five years it is impossible not to see his legacy, not to see the impact Owen's short life has made ... through Owen's story, it is clear to see that our Redeemer lives and through His grace we have hope.

I look at our little family line-up, and it is hard not to melt in a puddle when it's so obvious that there is a step missing.  But, I look closer and see these incredible gifts that God has given us, beautifully created.  And for that and all of life's lessons, even the hard ones, I am thankful.

And, I am thankful to do life with our sweet friends and family, the ones who checked in today, the ones who are tracking with us and remembering with us. 

Five Years {Remembering}

How can it possibly be five years ago today that our lives were forever changed?  I so distinctly remember sitting in that little ultrasound room.  I remember what I was wearing, I remember the look on the ultrasound tech's face, the look on our dear doctor's face as he took a look and then gently explained that our baby had a condition that was "incompatible with life" ... the way he gently expressed his promise to take good care of me and the baby through the pregnancy and delivery.  Then, I just remember feeling numb.

This is always a hard day, remembering the anniversary of the day we were told that Owen would not survive outside of me.  Five years already ... as I remember and reflect, I cannot help but thank God for his mercies which are new every day and have been so evident in the five years that have passed since Owen's diagnosis.  

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning ... 

Lamentations 3:22-23

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday

Pure Sweetness

A Glimpse Into a Senior Picture Pose, Perhaps?

Sunday, September 2nd, 2012 ~ Picnic by Owen

Being Spontaneous

So, I'm fairly certain that I've already established this, but just in case there is any question - I am admittedly not good at spontaneous.  My comfort zone is in planning, planning, planning!  I need to become more comfortable with spontaneity as man, it can be fun.

We spent a fun night with Jon, Rita and the kids last night.  We were heading home when Jason commented that we should stop by the cemetery as my brother and his wife left a solar frog out there for Owen's birthday (you can see Lydia patting its head on the second photo in the post below).  And, how often are we out and about as a family, after dark? 

The cemetery isn't exactly on the way home, but that is where we ended up last night at 9:30 p.m., a tad after the kids should have been in bed.  The frog was lit up - very fun!

Photo is not the best, but you get the idea ... the red light is a solar ladybug that Jason's parents put out on Owen's birthday ... the green is the frog

Had we not been spontaneous, we might have missed fireflies!  I have memories of catching fireflies when I was a camp counselor as a teenager, and Jason and I drove threw "herds" of them on our way out to Colorado years ago.  But, we have never experienced them as a family.  Until last night!

Jason was able to catch one, and the kids got to examine it up close (wish I would have taken a photo!).  And, the giggles really ensued when the firefly flew out of Jason's hand and onto Lydia's pajama collar.  It then became a little bit of a hide and seek game.  What a sight to see the kids chasing fireflies at the cemetery on a Saturday night!  

Makes me wonder, how often am I so planful that I am missing out on these sweet opportunities?  How often am I so planful that I am missing out on God's plan for me?

Four

Today we "celebrate" Owen's 4th birthday.  Our Owen would have been four today, he would be finishing up his first year of preschool, he would have likely been riding a two-wheeler (if he was like his big brothers), he might have been tow-headed like Samuel or maybe darker with a halo of natural highlights like Jack, he would surely have made us laugh, and we have no doubt he would have been stubborn.  We can speculate and ponder all of this, but one thing is certain - we do know that Owen is complete, he is whole.  And, we can only imagine what his birthday celebration is like at the feet of Jesus.

A Visit to the Cemetery

Birthday Treats as We Remember Owen

Breaking Tradition of Releasing Balloons and Instead Releasing Chinese Lanterns
(thank you, special friends for these ~ we love the meaning that these have and pray that Owen is sharing this moment with your little ones in heaven)

Remembering our sweet Owen
and the footprint he has made in our lives.

We love you sweet one and miss you always!

Happy 4th Birthday ...

Four Years

While I have done a good job of neglecting this dear blog of mine, today is a day that cannot go by without a few words of rememberance.  Four years ago today we received news that would forever change us.  Four years ago we became all too familiar with a diagnosis of "incompatible with life."  Four years ago, we walked in a state of disbelief, a state of sadness. 

Yes, we continue to mourn and miss Owen.  And, yes, moments continue to be bittersweet (read here for more thoughts on this anniversary).  But, we have learned to live through the here and now.  And, we have learned to lean on and lean into our Father.  We have learned so much over these four years.

Owen, you are forever in our hearts ... we love you ... we miss you ... we have been blessed through you, sweet little one.  We will never take for granted the time you were given to us here.

Three Blue Balloons

Happy 3rd Birthday, Sweet Owen!

We love you, Sweet Little Boy and miss you so!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Three Years

Another year has passed since our first ultrasound with Owen and his diagnosis, yet our feelings are much the same, so many moments that can be best described as bittersweet.  The following is what I posted last year on the anniversary of Owen's diagnosis, repeated again today as so much of it continues to be relevant as it may always be as we miss Owen.

Bittersweet
Originally posted January 31st, 2010
Dates / references to years have been updated to reflect today, January 31st, 2011

Three years ago today we sat in a dimly lit ultrasound room and heard three words that have forever changed us - "incompatible with life." Today marks the three year anniversary of Owen's diagnosis. Over the course of the past three years there have been so many occasions, so many things that have caused us to use the descriptor "bittersweet". Again, as we approach the day, the three year anniversary of Owen's diagnosis, bittersweet is once again the most appropriate descriptor.

Bittersweet: pleasure alloyed with pain (Merriam-Webster)

This accurately describes many of the feelings we have had over the past three years. Some feelings definitely are either bitter and painful or clearly sweet and pleasurable. For example, hearing the words "incompatible with life" burned, it was beyond painful. But seeing Owen full of life, via ultrasound, at 19 weeks and again at 33 weeks was so, so sweet.

There are some things which, depending on the day, can cause these emotions to blur. For example, seeing toddlers the same age that Owen would be and wondering if Owen would be at a similar development stage, imagining what his giggle would have sounded like ... How big would he be? Would he have Jack's coarse, brown hair or Samuel's out of control blonde hair? These ponderings bring us pleasure, but they also burn at times as we question "why Owen?" But then we are often brought to our knees reminded "why not Owen?" What we do know is that God is faithful and we have been reminded time and time again, that although we may not understand, God does not make mistakes.

We have grown these past three years. We have developed an increased trust in God despite not completely understanding God's plan in losing Owen.

Although our hearts still ache over the loss of Owen, we know that our God is sovereign, we know that we have hope, and we know that losing Owen has also brought us many amazing blessings.

We love you sweet baby Owen!

Side profile of Owen, full of life, sucking on his hand at 33 weeks, via 3D ultrasound.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-16

Remembering ...

As I also posted last year, October 15th is the National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss.  Of course, many of us understand that we do not just limit our reflection and rememberance to one day.  We remember when our hearts ache, and it is painfully obvious that there is a piece of our hearts missing.  We remember when we see other children the same age that our child(ren) would have been and we wonder what our little one(s) would have looked like, how their personalities would have seized us.  We remember when we miss getting to tuck them in at night and say their bedtime prayers with them.  We remember when we do not get to comfort them after a skinned knee.  We remember as we make our way through family traditions.  We remember when we are at the grocery store.  We remember, we do not forget.

We remember and we pray for the many who have lost babies, who have lost babies early in pregnancy, who have lost babies at birth or shortly there after. We remember ...

Missing a Piece of My Heart

Lydia is reaching one milestone after another - sitting up, scooting, nearly crawling, babbling.  It is so amazing to see her develop and grow.  It seems to be happening so quickly though! 

With each new milestone, my heart silently reflects on not getting to see Owen achieve these sweet milestones.  We are absolutely blessed with the boys and Lydia, no doubt.  I am keenly aware of our blessings.  But, my heart still aches over a longing for our little Owen.  There are, of course, events that trigger stronger emotions - seeing some other little ones at the same age that Owen would have been and even our recent family vacation.  We have come a long way in our grieving process since losing Owen, but I think I will always associate being at a cottage with our grieving process as we also stayed at a cottage after Owen's birth.  I was looking at the picture of Jack, Samuel and Lydia that I posted.  Even that picture makes it obvious to me that there should have been another little one between Samuel and Lydia. 

I know that there will always be a piece of my heart missing, but, as I've said before, I also know that God is and remains sovereign.  And, I know that Owen and his brief life have impacted me beyond words.  I know that there are many others out there too that are missing a piece of their hearts after having experienced loss.  For all of you, I continue to pray that you are finding peace and hope in your journey ...

Remembering ...

Sweet Owen, we are remembering you today as we do every day but especially today on your 2nd birthday ...

We remember the calm and peacefulness of Thursday, May 29th, the day before you were born.

We remember driving to the hospital late that night, feeling numb as we could only imagine what the next hours would bring.

We remember playing dominos and Uno as labor was not progressing quickly, but it was more time to enjoy feeling you move inside of me as you were so full of life.

We remember laughing at your brothers when they got to meet you.  They even smelled your sweet little toes.

We remember the words of the photographer, how she was so nervous to take your pictures but then she met you and all of her fears were washed away. 

We remember introducing you to your Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunts and Uncles and special friends, you are so loved.  We remember many of these loved ones sitting in the waiting room all day, waiting for your arrival.  What an amazing act of love.

We remember holding you and never wanting to let go.

We remember listening to music with you and reading you a book.

We remember sobbing as we left the hospital, our arms aching with emptiness but praising our Father that we did get to hold you and love you.

We remember the joy, peace and love that surrounded us that Friday evening after your birth, we could sense the Lord's presence.

We remember your sweet button nose and your "stork bites" - you looked just like your big brothers!

We remember taking in all of you, knowing we only had hours to memorize each of your features forever.

We remember the picture of the leaf with the single rain drop hung on the door of our hospital room - a secret signal to all staff, letting them know that something devestating had happened to the people inside those doors. 

We remember the nurses and our doctor and how we were so well cared for. 

We remember handing your body to the nurse, we knew you no longer occupied that physical form, but that knowledge did not make it any easier to say goodbye.

We remember these things and so much more.  And today, on your 2nd birthday, we remember you, Owen, our sweet love.

Bittersweet

Two years ago today we sat in a dimly lit ultrasound room and heard three words that have forever changed us - "incompatible with life."  Today marks the two year anniversary of Owen's diagnosis.  Over the course of the past two years there have been so many occasions, so many things that have caused us to use the descriptor "bittersweet".  Again, as we approach the day, the two year anniversary of Owen's diagnosis, bittersweet is once again the most appropriate descriptor.

Bittersweet:  pleasure alloyed with pain (Merriam-Webster)

This accurately describes many of the feelings we have had over the past two years.  Some feelings definitely are either bitter and painful or clearly sweet and pleasurable.  For example, hearing the words "incompatible with life" burned, it was beyond painful.  But seeing Owen full of life, via ultrasound, at 19 weeks and again at 33 weeks was so, so sweet. 

There are some things which, depending on the day, can cause these emotions to blur.  For example, seeing toddlers the same age that Owen would be (20 months) and wondering if Owen would be at a similar development stage, imagining what his giggle would have sounded like ... would he be babbling?  How big would he be?  Would he have Jack's coarse, brown hair or Samuel's out of control blonde hair?  These ponderings bring us pleasure, but they also burn at times as we question "why Owen?"  But then we are often brought to our knees reminded "why not Owen?"  What we do know is that God is faithful and we have been reminded time and time again, that although we may not understand, God does not make mistakes.

We have grown these past two years.  We have developed an increased trust in God despite not completely understanding God's plan in losing Owen. 

Although our hearts still ache over the loss of Owen, we know that our God is sovereign, we know that we have hope, and we know that losing Owen has also brought us many amazing blessings.

We love you sweet baby Owen!

Side profile of Owen, full of life, sucking on his hand at 33 weeks, via 3D ultrasound.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139: 13-16

Remembering Owen ... Remembering Others

Today is the National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss. Having had a miscarriage nearly 9 years ago and after losing Owen last year, this is a day where we stop and reflect and remember ... we remember Owen, as we do each and every day and today we also remember and pray for all of the others who have lost babies. We remember and pray for the family of Elizabeth, for the family of Caleb, for the family of Audrey, for the family of Abby, for the family of Sarah, we pray for those we do not know, we pray for families who have lost babies in early pregnancy, we pray for families that are hurting ... today we pray and we remember and we continue to ask for strength from our Father and we continue to cling to the hope that having a relationship with Him brings.

"For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139: 13-14

There is no foot too small ...

Praise You in the Storm

Do you ever feel that God is calling you to do something, something that maybe you do not want to do or are not comfortable with? But, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, you know it's what He wants? Over the summer we were asked to share our story (really Owen's story and His story) at a Sunday evening service. Before we knew it the day was here (this past Sunday). We are not public speakers by any means so to go before a crowd and let our honest emotions out was a bit nerve racking, but we knew that God has been calling us to do this. And, this was not to be about us, this was to be about how He has been working in our lives. It was a time to admit that we had times when we felt bitter, times when we questioned why and still do. A time to also reflect that despite our loss, we have gained so much, so much to be grateful for and humbled by.

It seems when life moves on as normal, we get into a comfortable relationship with Christ, but when life throws you a curve ball like this we have two choices, we can run to God or run from God. During our experience and in our sorrow, we ran to Him and our relationship with Him grew. We had and have hope, we could cry out to Him and know that He has a purpose in this, we don’t know what that purpose is and we may not ever understand, but we can cling to the hope that we have in Him. Through it all, we know that we have a God who saves, we have hope and we will continue to praise Him, He who gives and takes away. We will praise Him, even in the storms of life.

(Please remember to pause the music at the bottom of this page)

All Because of Owen ...

All because of our precious little boy, Jason, Jack, Samuel and I spent last week in Tennessee. We started out the week by driving the approximate 10 hours to Nashville where we visited Wendy's Place, a house for expecting and new moms (part of the Hope Clinic). There, we were able to see and to touch "Owen's tile" as well as tour the house, meet a mom and her precious baby living there, and deliver our donation. These moms, against odds, have chosen life for these babies, these remarkable God created gifts. This is a house where you can feel the warmth and love of our living God. It was a moving and profound experience to be there, to feel that sense of peace and God's grace in such an amazing place.

From there, we ventured East to Pigeon Forge where we spent the week at the Inn at Christmas Place. A little Christmas in July anyone? We were a little apprehensive about our choice in accommodations, fearing that the Inn may be a little "cheesy" but when we pulled in, we knew we were in for a real treat. Our experiences at the Inn could certainly pull us back to Tennessee sometime in the future. In addition to enjoying the Inn, we spent the week making other memories ~ swimming, visiting an aquarium, hiking up the side of a mountain to see a waterfall (okay, the boys were not thrilled about this), riding the rides at Dollywood, go-carting, mini-golfing on the side of a mountain, playing (my being defeated at) Skip-Bo, watching Christmas movies every night before bed, laughing, enjoying silliness ... it was a wonderful week! And, the boys fared well in the car on the way down there and did even better on the way back. I think it's normal for a four year old to wonder if we are in Wisconsin yet even though we just left the hotel in Tennessee, right?

We praise our God for His endless gifts, the time we were able to spend together and the gifts we were able to bring to Tennessee. Of course, our hearts yearn to have our little boy here, and we don't understand, but we are blessed ...

Tennessee or Bust!

T-minus 7 hours before we hit the road on our way to The Hope Clinic in Nashville with our tote of goodies for the mommies and their precious babies in memory of Owen and in celebration of his 1st birthday (see this post for more information).