Three Years

Another year has passed since our first ultrasound with Owen and his diagnosis, yet our feelings are much the same, so many moments that can be best described as bittersweet.  The following is what I posted last year on the anniversary of Owen's diagnosis, repeated again today as so much of it continues to be relevant as it may always be as we miss Owen.

Bittersweet
Originally posted January 31st, 2010
Dates / references to years have been updated to reflect today, January 31st, 2011

Three years ago today we sat in a dimly lit ultrasound room and heard three words that have forever changed us - "incompatible with life." Today marks the three year anniversary of Owen's diagnosis. Over the course of the past three years there have been so many occasions, so many things that have caused us to use the descriptor "bittersweet". Again, as we approach the day, the three year anniversary of Owen's diagnosis, bittersweet is once again the most appropriate descriptor.

Bittersweet: pleasure alloyed with pain (Merriam-Webster)

This accurately describes many of the feelings we have had over the past three years. Some feelings definitely are either bitter and painful or clearly sweet and pleasurable. For example, hearing the words "incompatible with life" burned, it was beyond painful. But seeing Owen full of life, via ultrasound, at 19 weeks and again at 33 weeks was so, so sweet.

There are some things which, depending on the day, can cause these emotions to blur. For example, seeing toddlers the same age that Owen would be and wondering if Owen would be at a similar development stage, imagining what his giggle would have sounded like ... How big would he be? Would he have Jack's coarse, brown hair or Samuel's out of control blonde hair? These ponderings bring us pleasure, but they also burn at times as we question "why Owen?" But then we are often brought to our knees reminded "why not Owen?" What we do know is that God is faithful and we have been reminded time and time again, that although we may not understand, God does not make mistakes.

We have grown these past three years. We have developed an increased trust in God despite not completely understanding God's plan in losing Owen.

Although our hearts still ache over the loss of Owen, we know that our God is sovereign, we know that we have hope, and we know that losing Owen has also brought us many amazing blessings.

We love you sweet baby Owen!

Side profile of Owen, full of life, sucking on his hand at 33 weeks, via 3D ultrasound.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-16