I have been pondering beginning a blog for quite some time, since Owen's diagnosis really. But, fear got the best of me ... oh, I'm still fearful, fearful of the time commitment, fearful that my words might be misinterpreted, fearful that my writing may be judged. But, the purpose of this blog is to document and chronicle our family life, a place to honor and glorify our God, a place to share how He is working in our lives.
The past 15 months have taken us on a rollercoaster ride. On January 31, 2008 at a "normal" 19-week ultrasound our baby was diagnosed with a neural tube disorder, Anencephaly, which is incompatible with life. This was our little blessing that was supposed to join his big brothers in filling our home with laughter, in making mischief and in fulfilling our hopes of a house full of children. Life's lessons often remind us that it is not our timing, it is His timing, that it is not our plan, it is His plan. Through the ups and downs of this time in our lives, we found ourselves questioning His timing, His plan. This was by far, the hardest situation that we have gone through.
We were suddenly faced with a decision that two parents should never be faced with. Understanding that, less a miracle, our little one would not live with us here, we needed to decide if we would induce labor early (i.e., terminate the pregnancy) or carry our little guy full-term. In reality, this wasn't really our decision to make ~ there is only One who gives and takes life. Thus, we spent the next four months creating memories with our little guy, Owen Matthew, our "well-born gift of God" ~ Owen was with us as we did our annual hot dog roast / burning of our Christmas tree, he rode the zoo train with us, he listened to bed time stories with his brothers, he was with us as we built him his own bear at Build-a-Bear ... he was with us. We did our best to pack in as many memories as we could while Owen was full of life inside of me.
While we found joy and happiness during this time, we were also moved by many other emotions. We were deeply saddened facing the truth in knowing that Owen would not live outside of me. While I don't know that I will ever say that I am thankful for losing Owen, I am thankful and feel overwhelmingly blessed by the gifts that we have been given through Owen. They are too numerous to mention here in my first post, but I will touch on them as time moves on. The fullness of God’s grace is evident in our lives and has given us hope as nothing else can.
Our little peanut, Owen Matthew, was stillborn on Friday, May 30, 2008. Aside from the defect which took his life, he was perfect in every way. He had his brothers' button nose and their sweet lips. What a blessing for us to have been able to hold Owen in our arms and now, what a blessing, that we can hold him in our hearts.
So, as we are quickly approaching Owen's first birthday, I would like to use this as a place for our heart's ponderings and for journaling the multitude of blessings that have been showered upon us and our family.
And, to the dear ones in my life who have so gently encouraged me over the past year to enter into the blogging community, thank you friends …. love to you.
the top of my list
21 hours ago