With less than seven weeks to go before baby enters this world, we have gotten to a place of renewed hope and peace. It has not been easy, and we know that there are still uncertainties. Although all signs indicate that this will be a full-term, healthy baby, we cannot be certain of the outcome. Only God, our Father, knows the outcome. Does He know what we want? Does He hear us? Does He know that we yearn for a baby to hold in our arms, a baby full of life, a baby to bring home from the hospital? Yes, He knows. Yes, He hears us. Does that mean that is what He will give us? No, that part is still uncertain. But, we have faith and we have hope and we have peace in knowing that His decision, His direction, and His plan are what we are here for.
Getting to this point has been challenging, we have often been reminded of our pregnancy with Owen. We never got to the point of putting up the crib. We never got to the point of picking out an outfit to bring him home from the hospital in, instead, we were picking out an outfit to bury him in. We never went to Target to stock up on diapers and other essentials. There are so many things with Owen that we never got to. And, our hearts still yearn to have Owen here. But, that was not to be.
Only now, in the past few weeks have we found ourselves moving forward, really planning for this baby ... purchasing a new stroller and car seat, painting Samuel and the baby's room, picking up some supplies, and you know what? It's scary, but it feels great. It feels exciting. We have a renewed sense of hope and peace.
Throughout this pregnancy we have heard others remark about this being our third, about what a sense of relief we must feel to be expecting again. This is not our third. We have three little boys. And, this baby will never replace Owen or the love we have for him. Our love for all of our children is deep and profound, but very separate. Just as our love for "China Girl" is distinct and separate (yes, the boys are still referring lovingly to their one day sister as "China Girl"). A little girl that may only be a thought right now, our love for her was real when we made the decision to fill out the adoption application.
Yes, we are moving forward. Yes, it is still hard to understand the unfolding of events that got us to this place. But, above all, we know that our God is sovereign and that through Him we have hope.
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