Hope and Peace

With less than seven weeks to go before baby enters this world, we have gotten to a place of renewed hope and peace.  It has not been easy, and we know that there are still uncertainties.  Although all signs indicate that this will be a full-term, healthy baby, we cannot be certain of the outcome.  Only God, our Father, knows the outcome.  Does He know what we want?  Does He hear us?  Does He know that we yearn for a baby to hold in our arms, a baby full of life, a baby to bring home from the hospital?  Yes, He knows.  Yes, He hears us.  Does that mean that is what He will give us?  No, that part is still uncertain.  But, we have faith and we have hope and we have peace in knowing that His decision, His direction, and His plan are what we are here for.

Getting to this point has been challenging, we have often been reminded of our pregnancy with Owen.  We never got to the point of putting up the crib.  We never got to the point of picking out an outfit to bring him home from the hospital in, instead, we were picking out an outfit to bury him in.  We never went to Target to stock up on diapers and other essentials.  There are so many things with Owen that we never got to.  And, our hearts still yearn to have Owen here.  But, that was not to be.

Only now, in the past few weeks have we found ourselves moving forward, really planning for this baby ... purchasing a new stroller and car seat, painting Samuel and the baby's room, picking up some supplies, and you know what?  It's scary, but it feels great.  It feels exciting.  We have a renewed sense of hope and peace.

Throughout this pregnancy we have heard others remark about this being our third, about what a sense of relief we must feel to be expecting again.  This is not our third.  We have three little boys.  And, this baby will never replace Owen or the love we have for him.  Our love for all of our children is deep and profound, but very separate.  Just as our love for "China Girl" is distinct and separate (yes, the boys are still referring lovingly to their one day sister as "China Girl").  A little girl that may only be a thought right now, our love for her was real when we made the decision to fill out the adoption application. 

Yes, we are moving forward.  Yes, it is still hard to understand the unfolding of events that got us to this place.  But, above all, we know that our God is sovereign and that through Him we have hope.

Only 90 Shopping Days Left

Okay, that actually sounds like quite a bit. But, we've already established that I am a planner. That said, this year is certainly going to challenge me. I'm going to try to stay laid back when I think of all that I normally try to do this time of year and during the Christmas season (okay, to all of my real-life friends out there - stop laughing, I know you're wondering if it's really possible for me to be laid back ... I'm wondering too). I'm trying to convince myself that with Jack's upcoming birthday, then Thanksgiving, and then Samuel's birthday, not to mention all of the fun Autumn and Holiday festivities in between, that I do not have to go overboard this year with preparations. I'm trying to convince myself that I do not have to make an assortment of Christmas cookies, that the boys and I do not have to top last year's Christmas ornaments, that my gifts do not have to be wrapped with real ribbon (I nearly choked typing that one!).

I typically do start Christmas shopping early, but this year I am trying to be especially diligent in planning and shopping for gifts since we do not know exactly when this little one might make his / her entrance into this world. I'm trying to accept that I will need to change my routine this year to accommodate my growing belly.

I love shopping for fun, unique gifts for others. Of course I am still guilty of picking up gift cards. But to find that something special for someone makes my heart sing. I have a feeling that this year I will be doing more internet shopping, one place that I will do a little shopping is on etsy - specifically on my friend Elizabeth's site (Sew What Designs). Elizabeth is so creative. I just adore these tea towels that she makes (family and friends that I typically shop for, don't be surprised if any of these show up in your gifts this year). And, wouldn't these make the cutest teacher gifts? Have you been to etsy? Oh, it's a dangerous place to browse! I happened to stumble upon monogrammed bloomers one of the last times I was out there ~ oh, we're in so much trouble if this is a girl!!! Okay, I digress.

Here is a set of tea towels that I have that Elizabeth made.

Yes, this Autumn and Christmas I am going to have to let go of my Martha tendencies (another near choking incident just to type that). In the end though, a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby will, of course, be one of our greatest blessings. And, we must remember why it is that we celebrate Christmas in the first place ...

Perfect Architecture

I have a tendency to strive for perfection, to try to do it all, to go above and beyond, to be an overachiever, it's all part of my Martha tendencies (see Being Martha below). I usually don't get excited over being "normal" ... but today, today when we heard "all is normal" I was grateful, I shed tears of relief, tears of gratitude.

He is THE Architect and we are so blessed by His perfect architecture.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16

Being Martha

I am a total Martha. There is no denying it. My family used to call me Martha Stewart due to my reputation for baked goods, homemade cards, and a few other things. But I am not referring to Martha Stewart, I am referring to Martha of Bethany. If you have not read this story, I encourage you to do so. Luke 10:38-42 resonates in my heart. I could easily replace "Martha, Martha" with "Heather, Heather."

This past week I had a doctor appointment. I am longing to feel this baby move regularly, I am longing for that physical reminder that "everything is okay" right now. At my appointment it took a little bit to find this little one's heartbeat. I worry about losing this little one. I am selfishly praying and yearning for a healthy, full-term pregnancy and baby ~ a little one that we get to keep here with us.

I also worry that I have a little Martha following in my footsteps. Jack asked again, at my appointment, if this baby is going to live. He then asked when we will know for sure that the baby does not have anencephaly. And yes, he specifically uses that term in every day conversation ~ it is so much for a seven year old, but a precious friend recently reminded me that Jack is going to keep growing with a sensitive, tender heart.

I am prone to worry. As we enter this new week and as we count down the couple of days until our scheduled "routine / normal" ultrasound which was neither routine nor normal back in January 2008, I worry. But, I am also trusting. I am trusting in our God Who saves, our God Who gives us strength, our God Who understands how much we can handle, our God Who carried the burden for our sin, our God Who understands our worry and understands our questions and understands our skepticism, but loves us without hesitation despite it all.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

P.S. If you are also a Martha, I would recommend 'Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World' by Joanna Weaver. I am finding myself deep in self reflection as I absorb the truths found in this book.